If Santa replied to his letters: Dear Santa. . .
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How ’bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the baby-sitter? He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed like Chutes and Ladders.
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe’s, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who the hell names their kid “Francis” anyways?
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses’ asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping yourhouse…
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but that shit doesn’t fly up here. You’re getting a sweater….again.
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
The X’mas tree :
All radiant and smiling; the angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.